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"You really are clueless, an embarrassment to the name. Hope you're adopted." -- June Dever
"this guy is right about conserving a clue. he hasn't one and that leaves more for the rest of us." -- Jim Lovell
"Your e-mail addy... should be 'dever@getalife.net.'" -- Sponge
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| Sex Advice from Uncle Dever |
| Posted by: dever on Tuesday, June 13, 2006 - 02:52 AM |
I'm always surprised at all the horrible men's advice and sex advice presented in magazines like Men's Health or asked online at askmen.com. Three years ago I decided to write a piece about these morons - basically decrying the stereotypical "dating-game-don't-call-for-x-number-of-days" nonsense you see. Through my research looking on-line for examples (Yes, I read this shit so you don't have to), I kept running across these Q&A columns that were just begging for a response.
Suddenly, the lightbulb went on... Why not take these questions and answer them the way I wished the feel-good Doctors and so-called experts would have? Why not beat these folks over the head with a cluestick? It lead to one of the most fun and popular postings of 2003.
So, with that in mind, I'm doing it again. I've combined the new with a couple of my favorites from the old. Enjoy!
I started dating this guy. It's been less than a week. He got drunk last night and stayed the night. He wanted to mess around with me, but I wouldn't. He tried and realized that I wasn't going to change my mind, so we went to sleep. When I woke up at 7:30 a.m. his jeans were off and he was masturbating. He had previously put his hand down the back of my pants, but since my back was turned, I thought nothing of it. When I saw what he was doing I freaked out, got up and left the room.
He said he was sleeping, and doing this in his sleep. Possible or not? I don't see how it would be possible. To take your jeans off and do that, just seems like a lot of trouble for someone who is sleeping.
Jennifer
Jennifer,
So you're "dating" some guy you've known less than a week. Would you, perhaps, care to reword that as "I went out with a guy this week?" The word "dating" implies that you've had the opportunity for multiple dates. You're not exactly that smart, sexy librarian type, are you? Relationship classification issues aside, the schlep comes over to your house, gets drunk, and then makes some weak, fumbling moves at you. If this wasn't bad enough for the first week, when you wake up you find him with his peske in his hand going to town. You sure do know how to pick 'em. -Uncle Dever
***
I have an uncontrollable fetish for girls in casts; that's to say, leg casts. I don't get turned on by pain, just by the cast. And I am also a foot fetishist. I can't seem to get aroused easily unless I can see their feet or they are in a cast. Do I have a problem? Am I abnormal?
Clark
Nope, pal - that's why they're called handi-capable. Kick it up a notch - you haven't lived until you've received a blowjob from a chick in a wheelchair. -UD
***
Me and my lover want to try new things, and I brought up the idea of using chloroform. Are there any dangers I need to worry about if I were to chloroform her?
Harold
Harold,
Why not just buy a nice white panel van while you're at it? Seriously, just drive yourself down to the local Sheriff's Office and let them take your sex offender photo now. -UD
***
I've been sexually involved with my boyfriend for about 8 months. I do all the things I know men love, including doing it in public places, getting Brazilian waxes, having quickies, going down on him without his asking, bizarre positions, you name it!
But my boyfriend never performs oral sex or foreplay on me and it's really annoying that he only wants intercourse. He refuses to do any type of foreplay even if I'm down on my knees begging and crying for it. Heck I've even spread my legs eagle style and masturbated in front of him!
What do I do?
Frustrated in Jersey
Frustrated,
Do you really need to ask what you need to do? Kick his ass to the curb. It sounds like the only person your boyfriend is interested in is himself. How is that fulfilling for you? Move on - you've already wasted 8 months - and find yourself a man who's interested in pleasing you, too. From the way you've described yourself, you shouldn't have any problem finding a man. Look ladies, take some advice from your Uncle Dever - If your man refuses to go down on you, go find a man who loves giving oral... plenty of us do.
Also, if you ever feel like getting spread eagle and masturbating for others, invest in a webcam. And don't Bogart the URL. There's good money to be made on the internet and, for a small cut, I'd be willing to pimp you out host the website and provide the video streaming. -UD
***
Hi Uncle Dever,
My girl told me that she is pregnant. I trust her somewhat, but I used a condom every time.
How probable is it that she lied?
Mike
Mike,
Maybe in the future you'll consider not sticking your dick in some chick you don't even trust enough not to be screwing around on you. If you think she'd lie to you about something like, oh... I don't know... being pregnant, you shouldn't be shtuping her in the first place, yo. Learn to think with the big head instead of the little one. Hope you enjoy those child support payments, sucker. -UD
***
My wife and I were wondering if there is such a thing as a penis size reduction? Please let me know. My size causes problems in our sex life.
Thanks,
Richard
Richard,
Hear that loud noise ringing in the background? That's my bullshit detector. -UD
***
I am 29, circumcised and sexually active. Usually, in order to reach orgasm, the woman has to be very tight or I have to pull out and masturbate over her until orgasm. Even when a woman gives me a hand job, she usually gets tired and has to switch back and forth between hands. As a bachelor, I used to take a lot of pride in being able to go on forever.
My problem is this: I am going to marry a virgin sometime next year. She thinks I'm a virgin too. Her family and mine also believe I am a virgin. So how do I condition my mind and body to be more sensitive and reach orgasm more easily, instead of nailing my poor virgin bride into oblivion just because it takes me two days to get off?
Sincerely,
Punjab
Punjab,
Perhaps you should consider if entering into marriage while in a relationship built on a foundation of lies is a good idea. You're an asshole and she deserves better than you. As for this shit about nailing your "poor virgin bride into oblivion," get over yourself already. -UD
***
Uncle Dever,
I would like to know if it is okay for one to drink his loved lady's urine? Is it okay for the lady to pee into the mouth of her lover? Of course, he loves to drink it. I would be grateful if you would guide me. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
A.
Damn, dude. Just... damn. How the hell do you even ask for that? "My lovely lady, I want to be so close to you. Please give me your gift; piss in my mouth." Honestly, I think there's a line where things are too kinky to do with the people you know. If the idea of being some chick's urinal is what works for you, that's probably something best left to explore with a stranger - not someone who knows all your friends. Trust me. -UD
***
While exchanging fantasies, my girlfriend said she wants me to try and pee while inside her. I've never done anything like that before, and wonder if it is even possible. If so, could it leave an infection?
This is not a joke. Thanks for your help.
Rick
Rick,
I think you and A. should swap girlfriends. This is not a joke. -UD
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