Sat, 06 Dec 2008 14:34:29 -0800 http://www.getaclue.net/ PostNuke Powered Site en-us http://www.getaclue.net/images/logo.gif http://www.getaclue.net/ dever@getaclue.net http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=64 After a couple of weeks of watching the new A&E television show, I have to stop and ask myself, "Is there anyone with half a brain going in to law enforcement?" In one episode this week, one of the rookies ran out of gas on scene and had to call for another unit with a gas can. Seriously? Ran out of gas? I never once pulled an ambulance out of the garage without checking the gas gauge and if I didn't have ¾ of a tank at least, I filled it up. Likewise, at the end of a shift I always filled the tank up if it was under ¾ of a tank. I also checked all the emergency and non-emergency lights, and any warning instrumentation on the dashboard. Look, you're talking about a job where you're going to spend most of your shift getting in and out of a vehicle and that vehicle may be your only means to get you or your partner out of an unsafe situation – along with your radio, it's your lifeline. Wouldn't common sense dictate that you check your lifeline? Maybe it is just the editors going out of their way to make the rookies look like they're having a tough time with it, but I'm still left wondering what bone-headed move these rookies are going to make next. At least, I wonder it during those few times I'm not yelling at the television, "What are you doing?" "Take control of the scene!" "Quit questioning this guy with your gun hip facing him, take a defensive posture!" I had a lot of hope for this show, but after a month I'm finding it to be almost unwatchable. Sat, 06 Dec 2008 14:34:29 -0800 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=63 At least we know who most ATM stick-up guys prefer for president. http://www.thepittsburghchannel.com/news/17789356/detail.html Sure, it's o­ne thing for you to rob a chic at an ATM machine so that you can make ends meet until a new president comes along that promises you won't have to work. But, carving a "B" in her face when you see that damn McCain bumper-sticker o­n her car, that's some serious style. Stay classy, Pittsburgh. UPDATE: The miserable little twit made it up! Wow, the McCain camp is more desperate than I thought. Pathetic! Thu, 23 Oct 2008 20:49:26 -0700 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=62 So my partner and I had the bariatric cot on the squad we were assigned to Monday night. Lucky us… got a discharge from a west side nursing home for a guy (we'll call him "John") with some obvious MR/DD issues who is on the wrong side of 600lbs. The squad assigned to provide us a lift assist is already waiting for us when we arrive. We get inside and learn that my partner knows John from when he was working at a hospital ER some years ago. Apparently, John used to be a very bad boy. One night Cleveland EMS brought him in the ER high on "wet" aggressive and badly delusional. Somehow, through the use of a small army of police and EMS, they had managed to restrain him on a backboard and haul him in. Once in the ED, they secured the backboard to a hospital gurney. John decided he didn't want to stay at the hospital and started rocking his weight until he got the gurney upright and proceeded to start duck walking out the EMS entrance – with the gurney and backboard still strapped to his back. He's not going to be walking anywhere on us now that years of uncontrolled diabetes has taken his feet from him. Nonetheless, I'm happy when he tells us with a smile, "I'm reformed now." John is going home to a house a ghetto and we hit our first snag of the night when he describes the house to us. For the bariatric cot, there's an aluminum board that folds out and bolts to the top of the cot to make it wider to accommodate large patients. Unfortunately, that plate doesn't fit through the narrow doorways of most of the circa 1920 duplexes in that neighborhood, so we're going to have to take him without it which is going to be rather uncomfortable to him. The alternative is going to be to put a tarp under him and when we get to the house, slide him through the door on the tarp instead of the cot, which is rather humiliating. He informs us he'll tolerate the narrow cot for the trip. The nursing home uses a hoyer lift to put him on the cot, and the four of us secure him with extension straps – so far so good. The bariatric cot is capable of holding 1500lbs according to the manufacturer, so we're in good shape. The four of us load him my squad, I hop in the back with him and we head out. We arrive on-scene and get a look at the front of the house and realize that we're going to need additional manpower to lift him up the steps. (Note to self - A "few" steps is a relative term.) My partner calls for a 3rd squad while the patient's guardian informs me that the bed isn't quite ready yet for him, that the medical supply guy they're using had the wrong parts and he'll be back in about 20 minutes. Meanwhile the 3rd squad gets the dispatch and assumes that since we're calling for a lift assist from a residence that we're stuck on an emergency run and can't get the patient out of the house and runs hot to our location. As they come down the street with lights on and sirens blaring, two thoughts cross my mind: 1) I'm glad that if I was in a jam, my brothers are going to get there to have my back just as I would theirs. 2) I wish they hadn't just drawn the additional attention to us that they had. Its 22:00, we're standing around in the ghetto, now the entire neighborhood is now outside watching us and there's still no sign of the guy with the parts for the bed. The teenage boys start doing their crypt walk up and down the middle of the street next to us. One woman starts throwing her trash bags off her 2nd floor porch on to the lawn next to one of the squads and asks us to take them to the street. We decline. More importantly, my patient is starting to get very uncomfortable on that cot. A half hour goes by, and we walk over to his guardian who has been sitting in her car the entire time with her kid sitting next to her, smoking her cigarettes and talking on her cell phone, and ask her to call the guy back. He says he's on the way. After an hour I'm less that thrilled with the entire situation. First of all, this patient's family is absolutely worthless and apathetic and I'm appalled that not once did any of them bother to walk over and see how he is doing. Secondly, he's now miserable on the cot to the point of having tears in his eyes. I don't care how big the guy is or what he did to get in to that condition, I didn't take this job to make people suffer – I took this job to help alleviate suffering. Finally, we have three squads sitting out of service waiting around that could be doing other things. I walk back to "Mary's" car and tell her, "Look, he's in a lot of pain in there, call this guy back again and find out if he's actually coming out here." Around 23:30 the guy from the medical supply company is back and the bed is ready for us. We open the front door to make sure we have a clear path to bring him in. When the door opens, it startles some cockroaches that scurry up the wall while grandpa/dad sleeps on the couch and a little girl plays on the floor. A toilet sits against the wall in the middle of the living room next to the front window. Even under the worst conditions, a nursing home has to be better than this… Wed, 21 May 2008 19:26:36 -0700 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=61 Important safety tip:  If your school looks like this, do NOT drink the Kool-Aid when the principal sets off the siren and starts announcing, "White night.  White night."  That is all. Tue, 08 May 2007 19:50:55 -0700 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=60 ...and did Sharpton even hear it? Channel 19 here aired the actual sound bite of what Don Imus really said about Rutgers. And I'm just gonna say it-if someone like Chris Rock, or any o­ne of a thousand other black comics had said exactly the same thing in exactly the same context, everyone would rolling in the isles. No o­ne would call it racist. No o­ne would call it degrading. No o­ne would even think twice about it. But because a white man said it, well, we all see the result.I dislike Don Imus as much as anyone, and while I don't follow basketball, I'm sure the Rutgers team deserves a big congratulations for a job well done this season, and probably every other season as well. But geez, talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.If Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson and all these other so-called 'reverends' want to really do something about prejudice, they need to look at themselves first.Jim Barbour Tue, 08 May 2007 19:48:43 -0700 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=58 In the late 70s and early 80s, attempting to feed off of the "macho" image Miller Brewing Company was working to instill in to its "Lite" brand, the folks over at Schlitz decided the key to their prosperity was to out-Miller their cross-town rivals. After compiling a crew of even meatier meatheads than the crew of washed-out, has-been athletes Miller had found, they produced their own series of ads in which their tough guy would be asked to trade his beer for another. At this point he would snarl at the camera and exclaim, "What? You want to take away my gusto?!" The end result was a series of commericals which were menacing, aggressive, and literally scared off potential Schlitz drinkers. Marketing insiders aptly took to calling the campaign, "Drink Schlitz or I'll kill you!" Apparently, those same writers have moved on from the advertising firm they were at and are today writing for CSI: Miami. And it is getting old... The show is centered around giving Caruso ample opportunities to preen and show off that he's the baddest dude in Miami. Apply this formula to any given week's episode: Person Dies. Caruso and crew arrive on scene, make witty banter and wrap up with Caruso making some inane comment that, I can only assume, is supposed to convey a sense of urgency - punctuated by Caruso putting on his sunglasses. ** Title Sequence ** Random beautiful people collecting evidence ** Caruso standing in a hallway, leg jutting in some sort of male-model-wannabe pose, staring out a window doing absolutely nothing for 3 seconds. Person approaches Caruso in conversation, during which he refuses to look the person in the eye and scowls. Concludes with Caruso finally lifting his head and intimidating said person. ** Random beautiful people in lab coats playing with cool geeky toys - edited as annoyingly as possible by some wanna-be Tarantino with multiple frames of action moving around, goofy image effects, and a hip-yet-relatively-unknown artist for a background score like Baxter, or Massive Attack. ** Caruso heads out and confronts head bad-guy number one, softly threating him while looking at the deck, punctuated when he looks in to his adversary's eyes and lays out the overt threat. This is another favorite spot for Caruso to put on his sunglasses again. ** Random beautiful people in lab coats.... well, you get the picture already. I don't want to be too hard on the writers, I understand that Caruso isn't the easiest guy in Hollywood to write for. While some actors have a range of emotions and temperments they can credibly portray, others have fewer dimentions. Caruso has an on and off switch - he's either talking or he's silent. His sunglasses are on or they are off. He's looking at the floor or at the camera. The end result is something that feels so fake and is so over-the-top is trying to make Caruso tough that it ends up as a giant joke. It's "Drink Schlitz or David Caruso will kill you!" As an aside, I've taken to watching the show with a bottle of Scotch and making my own drinking game out of it. Not only is the show much more enjoyable, I'm usually feeling pretty good by the end of it. Anyone who wants the rules, feel free to ask. Tue, 03 Oct 2006 20:55:50 -0700 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=57 Bob Bennett was, at one point, considered a political genius for shifting control of Ohio politics to the GOP. The problem is, he didn't win those victories by recruiting and supporting republicans - the party backed a bunch of Democrats-in-drag, err "moderates" (He out-democrated the Democrats) and Ohio has been paying the price. There are precious few fiscal conservatives and civil libertarians leading the show in Columbus, replaced instead by "Republicans" that would be "Democrats" in any other state. Not to be outdone, the Ohio Democratic Party responded by recruiting and running fringe nut-jobs like Lee Fisher - until now. Here's the perfect example: After 10 years of bitter fighting by the populace and plenty of broken promises, Ohio was finally one of the last of the states to pass concealed carry reform. Ohio's CCW experiment is a couple years old now, and during that time some major flaws with the system have been exposed. The most obvious flaw is the restrictions on carrying a firearm in a motor vehicle - in short the weapon must be in "plain sight" (with no definition of what degree of visibility constitutes said "plain sight") or it must be in a locked compartment. Complying with this prevision is, at best a nuisance, at worst a safety issue - causing needless handling and re-holstering of a firearm. While I fully expect my fellow concealed handgun license holders to be a cut above with regards to training and weapon handling, the reality is that most people neglect or have insufficient experience with holster work. It not covered in great detail in most firearm safety courses and most ranges prohibit it. (Which is just another reason you should go spend a weekend at Tactical Defense Institute!) After listening to feedback from license holders and holding public hearings, the Ohio House passed HB347 with broad, bipartisan support - removing the nonsensical "plain sight" language from Ohio's concealed carry provisions. As expected, Gov. Bob Taft threatened to veto the bill and it has since died in the Ohio Senate, which still seems hesitant to put itself in a position where it would have to consider overriding the veto of our notorious "Republican" governor - lame duck Democrat-in-Drag, or not. This has not gone unnoticed by the Democrats in the southern part of the state, nor by gubernatorial candidate Ted Strickland who released the following statement: "Ohio's GOP leadership has demonstrated that they are unwilling to act on important legislation to strengthen protections for Ohio's gun owners. "The improvements needed to Ohio's current concealed carry law outlined in HB 347 have bipartisan support from both Democratic and Republican legislators in the Ohio House of Representatives. But the Republican-controlled senate has stalled this very important bill indefinitely. "As governor, I would support passage of this bill in its entirety and would sign HB 347 into law the moment it hit my desk. I urge the legislature to stop the delay and pass this legislation as soon as possible." Twelve years of ineffective leadership has finally put the Ohio GOP in a position where they've allowed their Democrat opponents to take support of gun rights issues away from them. The irony is so thick one almost requires a chainsaw to cut through it. The real trouble for the Ohio GOP is that their opponents have their number this time - instead of Tim Hagan as a candidate, they've recruited a moderate who enjoys strong bipartisan support in his congressional district. Footnote: Perhaps my problem is that I'm not truly a conservative, but a "small l" libertarian who had viewed the GOP as pretty much running in the same direction I thought we should travel. With the anti-civil liberty and fiscal irresponsibility shift in the Ohio GOP (and the RNC, nationally), it has become increasingly difficult to reconcile my differences with the party. The only positive I see for the Ohio GOP this year is that Ken Blackwell is very much an outsider and despised by Bob Bennett's party machine. Had Jim Petro won the primary, it would have represented another four years of Voinovich/Taft non-leadership. Unfortunately, Blackwell is an uber-social conservative - so as much as I'd like to see a Blackwell victory as a giant middle finger to Bennett, I have yet to find an argument that would truly persuade me to vote for him. Tue, 27 Jun 2006 02:10:46 -0700 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=56 FAIR and the Center for Independent Public Broadcasting are pushing for to take oversight of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting away from congress and turn it over to an "independent" (read: uber-liberal) oversight committee that would be more immune to political pressures. In other words - us idiotic common folk would still have the privilege of funding CPB but with even less input that we have today. (As if congressional oversight really gives you or I that much input in to the activities of CPB.) I'm sure this sounds like a great idea to progressives who can't figure out why the majority of Americans don't agree with their position and continue to send Republicans to Disneyland on the Potomac. Like most of the ideas of our "progressive" brothers and sisters, this is truly terrible idea. Let's get this out of the way right up front: Anyone who has read this site in the past knows that I'm no fan of public broadcasting in general and more specifically public television. With the advent of cable channels covering just about every interest under the sun, there's really nothing PBS is doing that isn't already being done better by the private sector. Between A&E, Bravo, the History Channel, the Learning Channel, Discovery, and the various children and family programming channels that are all parts of most basic cable channels, what does PBS really bring to the table that isn't already being handled by the public marketplace? Frontline? Simon and Garfunkle singing in Central Park 20 years ago? Just zero the funding already and move on - there's something of a budget deficit if you haven't noticed (even though tax revenues are at an all time high). On a more personal level, I've grown weary of watching the staff of PBS stations hijack the programming for their fund-raising jihad - holding Big Bird and the Cookie Monster hostage to guilt people like my grandparents in to sending them $200 for a WVIZ-TV 25 ("You make the difference!") coffee mug and a Yanni CD. It seems like you can't turn on a PBS station anymore without someone interrupting the program with a styrofoam cup in their hand asking, "Spare some change?" It's embarrassing. But let's get back to the real issue here: Any entity that receives federal funding should be subject to federal oversight. The government isn't creating any wealth of its own, it's simply taking money from you and I then distributing it as it sees fit. In essence, we are all shareholders of CPB therefore we all have a certain degree of input in deciding how the corporation is run. Our input comes through the decisions of those we elect to represent us in Congress. Removing control of CPB from congress eliminates the voice of the people paying for the product and that's not acceptable. Even shifting the funding to a "usage fee" levied on commercial broadcasters is still a tax in disguise. It's a governmental mandate to take money from one organization and redistribute it to another. Ultimately these fees are considered in to advertising costs, which then trickle back in to higher prices for consumer products that you and I pay. It's still a tax, albeit one that goes to great lengths to disguise the fact. Or put another way, the output of the wastewater treatment plant certainly smells nicer than the input - but it's still being driven by the same old shit. Mon, 19 Jun 2006 19:02:42 -0700 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=55 So, I have to wonder, after reading this tripe about the poor children of illegal aliens walking to and from school alone, am I supposed to feel bad for them? How long will it take for people to line up shouting "stop this enforcement of federal law for the children?" Sun, 18 Jun 2006 22:34:48 -0700 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=10 I'm always surprised at all the horrible men's advice and sex advice presented in magazines like Men's Health or asked online at askmen.com. Three years ago I decided to write a piece about these morons - basically decrying the stereotypical "dating-game-don't-call-for-x-number-of-days" nonsense you see. Through my research looking on-line for examples (Yes, I read this shit so you don't have to), I kept running across these Q&A columns that were just begging for a response. Suddenly, the lightbulb went on... Why not take these questions and answer them the way I wished the feel-good Doctors and so-called experts would have? Why not beat these folks over the head with a cluestick? It lead to one of the most fun and popular postings of 2003. So, with that in mind, I'm doing it again. I've combined the new with a couple of my favorites from the old. Enjoy! I started dating this guy. It's been less than a week. He got drunk last night and stayed the night. He wanted to mess around with me, but I wouldn't. He tried and realized that I wasn't going to change my mind, so we went to sleep. When I woke up at 7:30 a.m. his jeans were off and he was masturbating. He had previously put his hand down the back of my pants, but since my back was turned, I thought nothing of it. When I saw what he was doing I freaked out, got up and left the room. He said he was sleeping, and doing this in his sleep. Possible or not? I don't see how it would be possible. To take your jeans off and do that, just seems like a lot of trouble for someone who is sleeping. Jennifer Jennifer, So you're "dating" some guy you've known less than a week. Would you, perhaps, care to reword that as "I went out with a guy this week?" The word "dating" implies that you've had the opportunity for multiple dates. You're not exactly that smart, sexy librarian type, are you? Relationship classification issues aside, the schlep comes over to your house, gets drunk, and then makes some weak, fumbling moves at you. If this wasn't bad enough for the first week, when you wake up you find him with his peske in his hand going to town. You sure do know how to pick 'em. -Uncle Dever *** I have an uncontrollable fetish for girls in casts; that's to say, leg casts. I don't get turned on by pain, just by the cast. And I am also a foot fetishist. I can't seem to get aroused easily unless I can see their feet or they are in a cast. Do I have a problem? Am I abnormal? Clark Nope, pal - that's why they're called handi-capable. Kick it up a notch - you haven't lived until you've received a blowjob from a chick in a wheelchair. -UD *** Me and my lover want to try new things, and I brought up the idea of using chloroform. Are there any dangers I need to worry about if I were to chloroform her? Harold Harold, Why not just buy a nice white panel van while you're at it? Seriously, just drive yourself down to the local Sheriff's Office and let them take your sex offender photo now. -UD *** I've been sexually involved with my boyfriend for about 8 months. I do all the things I know men love, including doing it in public places, getting Brazilian waxes, having quickies, going down on him without his asking, bizarre positions, you name it! But my boyfriend never performs oral sex or foreplay on me and it's really annoying that he only wants intercourse. He refuses to do any type of foreplay even if I'm down on my knees begging and crying for it. Heck I've even spread my legs eagle style and masturbated in front of him! What do I do? Frustrated in Jersey Frustrated, Do you really need to ask what you need to do? Kick his ass to the curb. It sounds like the only person your boyfriend is interested in is himself. How is that fulfilling for you? Move on - you've already wasted 8 months - and find yourself a man who's interested in pleasing you, too. From the way you've described yourself, you shouldn't have any problem finding a man. Look ladies, take some advice from your Uncle Dever - If your man refuses to go down on you, go find a man who loves giving oral... plenty of us do. Also, if you ever feel like getting spread eagle and masturbating for others, invest in a webcam. And don't Bogart the URL. There's good money to be made on the internet and, for a small cut, I'd be willing to pimp you out host the website and provide the video streaming. -UD *** Hi Uncle Dever, My girl told me that she is pregnant. I trust her somewhat, but I used a condom every time. How probable is it that she lied? Mike Mike, Maybe in the future you'll consider not sticking your dick in some chick you don't even trust enough not to be screwing around on you. If you think she'd lie to you about something like, oh... I don't know... being pregnant, you shouldn't be shtuping her in the first place, yo. Learn to think with the big head instead of the little one. Hope you enjoy those child support payments, sucker. -UD *** My wife and I were wondering if there is such a thing as a penis size reduction? Please let me know. My size causes problems in our sex life. Thanks, Richard Richard, Hear that loud noise ringing in the background? That's my bullshit detector. -UD *** I am 29, circumcised and sexually active. Usually, in order to reach orgasm, the woman has to be very tight or I have to pull out and masturbate over her until orgasm. Even when a woman gives me a hand job, she usually gets tired and has to switch back and forth between hands. As a bachelor, I used to take a lot of pride in being able to go on forever. My problem is this: I am going to marry a virgin sometime next year. She thinks I'm a virgin too. Her family and mine also believe I am a virgin. So how do I condition my mind and body to be more sensitive and reach orgasm more easily, instead of nailing my poor virgin bride into oblivion just because it takes me two days to get off? Sincerely, Punjab Punjab, Perhaps you should consider if entering into marriage while in a relationship built on a foundation of lies is a good idea. You're an asshole and she deserves better than you. As for this shit about nailing your "poor virgin bride into oblivion," get over yourself already. -UD *** Uncle Dever, I would like to know if it is okay for one to drink his loved lady's urine? Is it okay for the lady to pee into the mouth of her lover? Of course, he loves to drink it. I would be grateful if you would guide me. I look forward to hearing from you soon. A. Damn, dude. Just... damn. How the hell do you even ask for that? "My lovely lady, I want to be so close to you. Please give me your gift; piss in my mouth." Honestly, I think there's a line where things are too kinky to do with the people you know. If the idea of being some chick's urinal is what works for you, that's probably something best left to explore with a stranger - not someone who knows all your friends. Trust me. -UD *** While exchanging fantasies, my girlfriend said she wants me to try and pee while inside her. I've never done anything like that before, and wonder if it is even possible. If so, could it leave an infection? This is not a joke. Thanks for your help. Rick Rick, I think you and A. should swap girlfriends. This is not a joke. -UD Mon, 12 Jun 2006 23:52:06 -0700 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=9 I stopped in at a local Deli today to enjoy a Ruben and a couple minutes of quiet time before heading out and running my day-off-errands. I check out my waitress - 25, brown hair, brown eyes, very cute - the kind of she's-fun-but-you-can-still-take-this-girl-home-to-mom kind of look. A lot of my "downtown" friends ask why I've moved out to the southwest suburbs and live out in "the boonies." Honestly? These hot Italian girls like I just described are EVERYWHERE. Ok, so that wasn't the initial draw but it's definitely a perk and I'll admit a weakness for attractive brunettes. The lesson is: if you want to see pretty girls every day, move to a community where the majority of the businesses are involved with concrete. But none of that had anything to do with what I wanted to share. As I'm sitting my meal a young couple walks in. You know the type - they're both pretty homely and neither knows how to dress and somehow they're perfect for each other in their own unkempt kind-of-way. It's the "lid for every pot" concept. (Now, I realize I'm not going to be gracing the cover of GQ magazine in my lifetime, but I refuse to accept that I've fallen that far down the scary looking people totem-poll. Although, judging by recent pictures, I could be deluding myself.) As he sits down with his back to me, I already feel like I know too much about this guy. Uncle Dever's Fashion Tip For Men #1: Don't wear tighty-whities. Uncle Dever's Fashion Tip For Men #2: If you must wear them, for the love of God, don't let the waistband ride above the waist of your jeans so everyone know you're violating my first tip. Pull up your pants, tuck in your shirt, freeball... whatever it takes. Anyways, tightly-whitey boy and acne-girl are apparently moving in together - ah, young love - but first, there's the ever important conversation about everything you own that she doesn't like. "We are not getting rid of the china cabinet. I paid like $1000 for that. I'd rather we just throw out your entertainment center first..." "Where do you think you're going to put your stupid workbench?" "Will there be room for both refrigerators? Because I'm definitely keeping my fridge." I'm starting to feel bad for this guy. The entertainment center AND the workbench? Why doesn't she just take that butter knife off the table and start sawing away his testicles right now? He tries to reason with her some more, but it isn't going anywhere. This conversation has turned in to a disaster. I think of Stephen Whitty reviewing Gigli, "Such an utter wreck... you expect to see it lying on its side somewhere in rural Pennsylvania, with a small gang of engineers circling and a wisp of smoke rising from the caboose." I almost want to jump in and assist the defense, but really - it's not my problem. Just another reminder of why I like living alone. Mon, 12 Jun 2006 13:50:06 -0700 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=8 I just want to make sure I understand this clearly. The media continues to control the dialogue on Iraq – portraying it as an abject failure and beating the entire GOP over the head with it at every opportunity. Iran is advancing their nuclear ambitions pretty much unabated and we’re offering them technology to continue to do so. Congress continues to spend money like a drunken sailor in a whorehouse. Oh, and for all we know, Osama bin Laden could be living in a shack in Arizona and we wouldn’t have the foggiest because, apparently, the only people who don’t get to illegally enter the United States are those who die while making the trip. So, what is the GOP worried about? Gay Marriage…. Excuse me… Sorry, I was looking down the list of priority issues the federal government should be addressing. There it is - “Gay Marriage” - on page 47, just after “Regulating the allowable distance between barbs in a barbed-wire fence.” Welcome to today’s Republican Party. After the 2004 elections, the rhetoric coming from the religious wing of the Republican support base made it very clear that they felt solely responsible for the favorable outcomes. They’ve successfully turned this fiction in to political capital and are using it to control the agenda of the GOP - in short, the people who don’t believe in evolution are finally calling the shots – and are successfully alienating the other factions of the party. I’m just waiting for the TV ad: “We know we’re fucking up every issue that really counts. Uhm…. God God God God. Vote Republican.” Frankly, unless they find a way to turn things around overnight, the GOP deserves the quiet time sitting in the corner they have coming to them this November, having spent the last two years alienating the sizeable socially moderate wing of the party worrying about issues like Abortion and Gay Marriage. It’s been a steady two years of appeasing the couple of million evangelicals that give the party enough votes to win – well, just barely… and assuming the rest of us get motivated enough to show up on election day. Wed, 07 Jun 2006 22:31:35 -0700 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=7 One can assume after reading the footnote on this order the judge at least has a sense of humor: Or, in the words of the competition judge to Adam Sandler's title character in the movie, "Billy Madison," after Billy Madison had responded to a question with an answer that sounded superficially reasonable but lacked any substance, Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. Deciphering motions like the one presented here wastes valuable chamber staff time, and invites this sort of footnote. Tue, 07 Mar 2006 13:34:37 -0800 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=6 While surfing the net today looking for old snippets of this website and trying to get the scent back, I ran across the following wonderful site: The Wayback Machine/Internet Archive Wow. I guess I should have figured that someone would have done this. In any event, it's been a very interesting evening looking back at good times, not-so-good times, and downright funny posts. I forget how good this site really was at one point and how honored I felt that some of you came by regularly to see what I had to say. So, while most of you are gone and won't see this, I'll say it anyways - Thanks. Mon, 06 Mar 2006 23:56:48 -0800 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=5 From an old e-mail of mine... Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University. "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely no talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two American students: Michelle (last name deleted), and Stan (last name deleted): THE STORY: (First paragraph by Michelle) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. (Second paragraph by Stan) Meanwhile, Advanced Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Sky Lon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geo-station 17," he said into his Tran galactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. (Michelle) He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Sky Lon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things round her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. (Stan) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian Mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile - Submarine headquarters, on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'them out of the sky!" He said. (Michelle) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate adolescent. (Stan) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo, I read too many Danielle Steele novels." (Michelle) Asshole. (Stan) Bitch. (Michelle) DICK HEAD! (Stan) Slut. (Michelle) FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL PRICK!!! (Stan) Go drink some tea -- whore. (Professor) A+ - I really liked this one. Mon, 06 Mar 2006 12:00:31 -0800 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=4 Those of you who used to follow getaclue.net a couple of years ago know that one of my favorite targets in the 2004 elections was Capri Cafaro. Cafaro is originally from the Mahoning Valley area where her old man got rich the old-fashioned way - building shopping malls. She and Daddy were also key players in the indictment and conviction of former representative James Traficant, currently enjoying life in federal custody and very much missing his 70's throwback toupee. You see, it was their company that got caught giving Traficant cash. It was widely rumored in the Youngstown area that they were planning to lean on Traficant to not run for re-election and to support Capri - but after being stained by his disgrace, Capri decided to move on to greener pastures (and based on the downright nasty coverage she received from the Youngstown-based newspaper "The Vindicator," a wise choice) in the 14th district where she was subsequently (to steal a line from Dennis Miller) "stomped like a narc at a biker ralley" by incumbent Republican Steve Latourette. So it is with much joy that I see, not one to give up quite so easily, my favorite-little-mobbed-up-congress-critter-wanna-be-cum-media-darling Capri has moved her residence again, looking to run for the 13th District seat currently being held by Sherrod Brown who is running for Senate. What a shame if she had to give up her posh Hunting Valley digs (median home value - $868,000) from which she talked about the working man's plight. Unfortunately, given the heavy democrat bent of the district, the likelihood that Brown is going to get the nod for his senate run, and the fact that the Cleveland and Akron media are absolutely in love with Capri - she'll likely win the election. You heard it here first. Which, of course, will help her father sleep better at night - because when you can't buy a congressman anymore, you have to resort to buying a congressional district. Apparently, any congressional district. Tue, 28 Feb 2006 22:02:42 -0800 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=3 So... as much as I hoped to get more clean-up done around here over my days off, instead I spent that time dealing with getting my heat pump fixed. No heat in Feb. just doesn't fly in Cleveland. Tue, 28 Feb 2006 21:15:10 -0800 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=2 NOTICE: If you want to post a comment, you must be a registered user. Sorry, but that seems to be the only way to keep the comment spammers at bay. Sat, 18 Feb 2006 10:32:12 -0800 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=1 Let me just get this right out in the open... I hate WordPress and Moveable Type. Now, I know I'm practically the only person on the web who feels this way - but I never liked dealing with either one, nor did I like the way the site looked after going to them. Sat, 18 Feb 2006 10:30:14 -0800 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=52 Apparently, back in the care-free days that made up my time at Rocky River High School, I missed a very, very important lecture in government class. You see, I've always thought that the Senate operated on a majority system when it comes time to do things like, say, appoint a federal judge. I missed the day where the teacher explained to us that you actually need a super-majority of more than 60 senators to do such a thing, and if you fall between that number and 50, all the opposition has to do is whisper the word "filibuster" and you've lost. But that doesn't seem to be the only lecture I missed. I've also been equally misguided into believing that a filibuster was a measure of last resort and considerable hardship to the senators, requiring senators of a particular party to continue a debate over an extended period of days and nights, not yielding the floor back to the chair who would, in turn, call a quorum and vote. Apparently, as far as the Republican leadership is concerned, a filibuster should only be conducted during normal debate times in the Senate, with everyone returning home at night to a hot meal, a romp with a hooker, and some fine scotch and a cigar. (Oh wait, is that Ted Kennedy or Babe Ruth? It's easy to get the two confused.) Otherwise, why aren't they forcing the Democrats to put up already? Letting the Democrats filibuster a judicial nomination, instead of just pulling it at the slightest threat, would be the best thing the GOP could do. But I mean a good old fashioned, stand on the floor of the senate and read "War and Peace" throughout the middle of the night, we're open twenty four hours, we never close, Jerry Lewis Telethon style action. Let the spectacle go on for a couple of days. If there are Democrats willing to stand on the floor of the senate talking, reading, preaching, or lecturing 24/7 for an extended of period, let's see it in action. All the GOP needs to do is stand outside, point a finger, and exclaim, "Come see the Democratic party in action, stonewalling and gridlocking congress from getting anything accomplished." The Democrats can't filibuster everything. Eventually they will tire of the effort, probably long before the American public does. Not only does this prevent the Senate from doing other things, like passing bad laws for a short period of time, it makes the Democrats look like the bunch of obstructionist jackasses they are. To me, that's called a win-win situation. It would be the first major PR coup for the GOP for the 2004 Senate elections. Mon, 18 Aug 2003 00:00:00 -0700 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=53 Christiane Amanpour has started beating the censorship drum, saying coverage of the Bush Administration's policies has been skewed because CNN "was intimidated" by the Bush Administration and Fox News. First of all, this is incredibly amusing. I can't help but picture Walter Isaacson being lured into a black Lincoln Town Car by a couple of Italians outside of CNN's studios. "The President is going to be very unhappy if you don't roll over on Iraq. Very unhappy. Capiche?" Rupert Murdoch sending his best dressed Guido in a white suit to stand around outside CNN headquarters in Atlanta and intimidate workers. "Hey! Nice camera. I said, 'nice camera.' Must be nice to have a camera. A fella should make sure nothing happens to it." CNN may, indeed, have allowed itself to be intimidated by Fox News, but only because it's slipping in the ratings wars. Fox News has been successful because it has captured the attention of many Americans who are tired of the bias in other news networks. That CNN has decided to move to the right to regain audience is a source of consternation to the far left and a vivid demonstration that their views are out of touch with mainstream America. That's hardly censorship by any intellectually honest definition of the term, but instead a marketing decision by her employer. If Amanpour is so out of touch with CNN's audience and wants to continue as a spokesperson for terrorist regimes and the Palestinian Authority, perhaps it's time for her to move on to NPR or Al-Jazeera. Amanpour's comments are typical of the reaction many have had to the success programs with a conservative bias have enjoyed on cable television and talk-radio. Liberal journalists crying "censorship" because they're losing the monopoly on the transmission of ideas and opinions rings as hollow as Jesse Jackson screaming about the racism boogeyman every time he desires something. Most people see right through it, and it devalues whatever argument they were trying to present. At best, it looks like nothing more than a cheap attempt to influence the opinions of those too illiterate to use a dictionary. At worst, how delusional the left has become. Mon, 18 Aug 2003 00:00:00 -0700 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=54 Bill Clinton this week: "I never had a nickel until I left the White House." If the smallest unit of currency you've been using to tip strippers are $20 dollar bills, that's technically a correct statement. It all depends on what is, is. Anyone who really believes this nonsense needs to stop bogarting the candy bowl full of crack. Why the media lets him get away with such obviously false statements continues to perplex me. Former presidents, like children, should be seen and not heard. Thu, 14 Aug 2003 00:00:00 -0700 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=47 Anyone who saw the trailer knew Gigli was going to suck. But did anyone actually think it would suck so bad that the reviews are more entertaining than the movie itself? "....at this point I think I'd rather suffer through last week's pandering, soft-pitch Dateline NBC special about the couple than watch them lurch and stagger through another two hours of screen amour." -- Rob Blackwelder, splicedwire.com "[Ben Affleck] appears to be wearing Ted Danson's toupee from 'Cheers.'" -- Roger Friedman, Fox News "Gigli features some of the most embarrassing writing of any movie made in the last decade is clearly supposed to express an earthy sexual sophistication." -- WTOP "[Justin] Bartha apparently has downloaded Dustin Hoffman's 'Rain Man' performance; he's got the agitated muttering and blurted non sequiturs down cold. And when he smiles, Brest never fails to thrust the camera right up to his face. At such moments, the orchestral score becomes coated in so much syrup, it could open its own IHOP franchise." -- Mark Caro, Chicago Tribune "For a brief, mad, moment I had a flicker of a thought that the mundane inanity of the sordid and petty imperatives imposed on Larry and Ricki might be some Samuel Beckett-style commentary on the existential void. Then I realized that watching the movie put me closer to the existential void than they ever were, and that Godot would arrive long before this movie went anywhere. " -- Nell Minow, The Movie Mom "'Gigli' is such an utter wreck of a movie you expect to see it lying on its side somewhere in rural Pennsylvania, with a small gang of engineers circling and a wisp of smoke rising from the caboose." -- Stephen Whitty, NJ.com "Rarely has a movie that doesn't star Madonna achieved such a skin-crawling mixture of deluded preening and bungled humour." -- Liam Lacey, The Globe and Mail "[A] huge waste of celluloid." -- Paul Clinton, CNN "There are so many bad moments in 'Gigli,' it's a shame to single out only a few." -- Jami Bernard, New York Daily News "... it has a special badness all its own." -- A. O. Scott, New York Times "A recent episode of South Park suggested that a fourth-grader's hand puppet could turn in a better performance than Ms. Lopez, and in the case of Gigli, it's hard to argue." -- Luke Y. Thompson, New Times "In case the Razzie Award announcers have any difficulty with the pronunciation, Gigli rhymes with 'really.' As in ?really bad,? or ?really offensive,? or ?really wish I?d remembered my gun so I could just shoot myself now and end the misery.?" -- Laine Ewen, Premiere "Gigli is so horrible I had to go cleanse my palate afterward by watching 'Glitter.'"-- Danny Minton, KBTV "Worst. Movie. Ever." -- The Comic Book Store Guy Wed, 06 Aug 2003 00:00:00 -0700 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=45 Jerry Springer announced he is taking a few more days to decide if he's going to run for senate here in Ohio. (And with an unfavorable rating of 71% while trailing in the polls to a politician with a lack of charisma like Eric Fingerhut, I'd be considering renewing that TV contract, too.) Frankly, I'm torn... I think I actually want to see Jerry run. The Ohio Republican Party is a mess, with inept populist leadership showing almost no interest in conservative or libertarian values. As my brother-in-law's father says of Governor Taft and Senators DeWine and Voinovich, "They're Democrats in drag." The party has moved so far to the center (one might even argue slightly left-of-center, at that), the Democrats have been stuck fielding morons from the extreme left like Lee Fisher and Tim Hagan. Meanwhile, George Voinovich can call himself a Republican while speaking out against tax cuts, and Governor Taft's aides continue to comb through the books looking for any potential new taxes or fees they might have overlooked raising in the last few months. It's all a sick joke and something drastic needs to happen to reverse the trend. Enter Jerry Springer. Jerry, well, he's a sick joke in and of himself, but as a senator from Ohio he's the potential cure for what ails me. Jerry Springer defeating a popular incumbent such as George Voinovich is the sort of solid kick in the ass the Ohio Republican Party desperately needs. I might have to hold my nose while doing it, but I'd vote for the guy. He's the ultimate vote of "no confidence" in the political leadership of either party, and it's less effort than writing in "Mickey Mouse." Besides, C-SPAN would be a lot more interesting with Jerry's bouncers preventing senators from throwing chairs at each other while yelling to those in the galley, "You don't have no right to judge me." If we're really lucky, Jerry can arrange a hearing on highway safety featuring Ted Kennedy and the Kopechne family. Now that's entertainment... Jerry... Jerry... Jerry... Thu, 31 Jul 2003 00:00:00 -0700 http://www.getaclue.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=48 Fred Reed started the ball rolling, writing that guys in America shouldn't marry women here in the states and proceeded to explain why he felt that women in this country have a chip on their shoulder. Now, I'm not going to sit here and defend Reed, because in many respects he's just plain wrong. Not entirely wrong. Not 100% out in left-field wrong. Not O.J. Simpson wrong. Just wrong enough that the few valid points he might have had were buried beneath all the other bullshit he dumped on top. His article, and the contemplation thereof, led Venomous Kate down some path of introspection, admiring the meaning of peaceful bowel movements, finally ending at a giant lake of self-pity: I was taking a shit for chrissakes. You know: door closed, pajama bottoms around ankles, bare ass, bad smells. A moment that most of us consider private. A moment in which most of us are gladly alone and which some of us enjoy immensely for the relief it affords but which, because one of my loved ones needed something from me, I had to rush through. It's things like that which make me angry. First off, I suddenly feel like I know more about Kate than I ever wanted to. I can't help but flashback to Fight Club, "Strangers with this kind of honesty make me go a big rubbery one." I'm not sure why this couldn't have been handled with a terse, "Don't bother mommy while she's in the bathroom." Sure, we've all had that rather uncomfortable experience where someone wanted to talk to us while we were taking a dump, but a quick, "Look, I'm trying to take a shit here!" usually ends the discussion - I go back to my book or magazine, and all is well with the world once again. It's the culmination of moments like that - not merely moments spent trying to shit in a bathroom but all sorts of moments in which I'm racing through one thing to deal with another - that make me angry. It's the fact that even my most basic of human needs must be juggled with the needs of others which makes me feel chronically pissed off. Have you considered Zoloft? Why be that frowning, bouncing oval when you can go through the day as a smiling, bouncing, not-quite circle? The rest of us put up with the same nonsense day after day, and most of us without the luxury of sitting on the beach while bitching about it. I'm angry because it shouldn't be like this. I'm angry because when women say that we can't handle it all, we can't do it all, we can't be whores in the bedroom, tycoons in the boardroom, maids in the living room, cooks in the kitchen, washwomen in the laundry room, psychologists in the family room, teachers of homework in the kid's bedrooms and still remember where a man put his goddamned keys - when we talk about being tired or about being pushed beyond our limits, the response is always the same: "You wanted this, remember?" I am angry because I know - and mark my words, you'll see this in the comments from some asshole who didn't take the time to read this far - that when I say that I'm tired of it, that I've had enough, that I can't handle it anymore, I am labeled a failure and branded as selfish for merely wanting a break. Meanwhile - meanwhile - I am angry that I am expected to stroke the egos of any man who "pitches in" and performs duties around the house that his father would never have done. Don't believe me? Then watch the comments for the first guy who points out that he bathes the kids or feeds them dinner, and read his comment carefully because there you'll see a man who is wanting credit for doing those things. I'll defer to Jeff Goldstein writing to Asparagirl 20 June 2002: "Getting too much to bear, is it dear? No problems. Just pen some wistful, world-weary words (a few fat paragraphs ought to convince people of your sincerity), strain a few analogies, and then its off to Starbucks to share a Caramel Macchiato and a rasberry scone with your pathos. (Or, if you're feeling particularly melodramatic, you can maybe hide out in a neighbor's attic or something and write journal entries until the world is dusted in irradiated ash -- or until the Stoli vanilla runs out, whichever comes first). "Jesus. Just fall on your pen already. Get it over with." Do you really think it's any easier for men? We're supposed to be corporate tycoons while at work, protectors when things go "bump" in the night, sensitive and caring when dealing with our families, and completely understanding every time you get your panties in a bunch for no apparent reason. We're supposed to just accept that you don't want to have sex anymore, but we're not supposed to go outside the house to find it and take care of our natural biological functions. Then to top it all off, we're supposed to be the Amazing Kreskin, reading your mind to find out what stick is up your ass on any given day so we know what verbal minefield to avoid, knowing if we ask what is wrong, inevitably the answer is "nothing." All that and you get the house, the kids, and half our paycheck when you decide that well, maybe it really was "something." If you want to stop hearing about how angry we women are, then help stop the things that make us so mad. If you want to help - if you really mean it when you say that you do - then help us help ourselves. Excuse me? Women are angry because they got everything they asked for. I'm sorry if it wasn't the bed of roses you thought it would be, but women made that bed, not men. It was women in this country who wanted - demanded even - to have it both ways. They wanted a career and they wanted kids and a family. Women wanted a bunch of wussified, pussy-whipped guys who were afraid to open a door for a woman without offending her sensibilities or sense of independence, or to tell a joke, or - god forbid - have an opinion of their own. Well, congratulations, we gave you everything you asked for. We stopped opening doors. We stopped being polite. We stopped carrying groceries, giving up seats on the train, and let you prove that you could do it all for yourself. We learned to just keep our head down and mouths closed with the exception of the occasional affirmative style grunt, all the while biting our tongues and hoping you'd just get it out of your system. We surpressed our natural instinct to be the aggressor, the challenger, and the breadwinner. In the war of the sexes women were the hands down victor, and now that society has changed to accommodate that, women are deciding they don't like it. Well, excuse me, but tough shit. Be careful what you wish for... you might actually get it. Wed, 30 Jul 2003 00:00:00 -0700